


Release

by Tryingmikeywinters



Category: Merlin (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:53:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26173756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tryingmikeywinters/pseuds/Tryingmikeywinters
Summary: Merlin had several journeys. But the journey in which he discovers self harming might be the most dangerous.
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So in this story, Merlin is, well me basically. I'm writing Merlin, and giving him my story, my discovery with self harming. So what Merlin goes through is roughly what I went through, but his story gets to be more lovey dovey at the end.
> 
> There's a line in this story that I've used in the past to explain my self harm in the past to my friend, let's see if you can find that line:)

The first time Merlin had purposely cut himself, it was with a bit of scrap metal. He had known that cutting was a thing, and he was curious. So he had cut himself. The cut got infected. He felt guilty and didn’t cut again for a while. He was able to pass the cut off as an injury he had gotten in the woods while on a hunt with Arthur.

The second time he cut, it had been 5 months later, with a sharp pin a visiting noble woman had dropped. He cut five times. The cuts were sharp and smooth. He once again felt guilty, and told Gaius that he had hurt himself. Gaius believed him.

The next time he cut, he had accidentally cut himself with a blade, and found that he liked the blood pooling at the cut. He liked how easy it was. So he cut. Again and again and again. He found himself becoming addicted. He liked the way the blood pooled. He liked the scars that were left behind. So he continued.

He cut his arms. Both of them. His left had the most cuts though. He felt stupid for cutting his arms as the warmer season had arrived, so he moved onto his thighs.

Only a few scars were visible. Two on his legs. One on his thigh. One on the Top of his left wrist. A few scattered on his left arm.

He almost never cut deep enough to leave scars.

No one noticed. They didn’t notice him wearing cold weather gear during the warmer season. And he had been able to conceal his pain. Never flinching.

He eventually realises that he liked the scars some of the cuts gave him. So he cut a little deeper. Cutting over old self harm scars you could barely even see, creating new ones. Visible ones. He started with his thighs. Three cuts on each thigh.

He cleaned them and dressed them, let them heal, and then did it again. Only a few cuts at a time.

He couldn’t have too many cuts in one go. He finds that it was just too much trouble. It hurt too much and was a bother to cover. So he stuck to a few cuts each time, and waited for them to heal so he could do it again.

He cut at night, when he was alone and knew no one would spot him.

He started to cut to help as an emotional stress reliever, as well as because of his addiction.

He didn’t tell anyone. Not Arthur or the knights, Gwen or Gaius. No one had to know.

Because he had to let the cuts heal, he didn't bring his blade when he went on hunts and patrols with Arthur and the knights. He'd cut the night before,, and then let himself heal. 

No one knew they he self harmed. No one had a clue. 

He self harmed for a over a year before he was discovered. 

The warmer season had come back, and the knights and Arthur had decided to go out. Patrol, Arthur had called it. A small holiday Gwaine had whispered to Merlin, making him chuckle. 

They had a nice month without too many incidents, so Arthur decided it should be fine to go on a longer patrol. He refused to call it a small holiday. He wouldn't give Gwaine the satisfaction of being right.

They found a nice spot to set up camp, so they stopped, Merlin fixing up everyone's horses.

He's asked to fill up some of the knights flasks, and he does so without complaint for once, which surprises everyone. It was a nice day, and Merlin was pretty happy. He could ignore the slight overheating as he happily goes to find a creek or river, which he finds rather quickly.

As he fills up the final flask, something shiny, glittering in the afternoon rays catches his attention. It's a shiny rock. He picks it up, his hand brushing the leaves as he does so. He looks at it, turning this way and that. He smiles before putting it back.

After finishing his job, he goes back to the knights and hands them their flasks with a smile. They smile back, thanking him.

"Hey Merlin" Gwaine suddenly speaks. Merlin hums, looking up.

"What's that?" the long haired man speaks, gesturing to his hand. Lancelot is the only one who hears Gwaine as the others are too far away. He stands up, walking closer to the pair. Merlin looks down. His eyes widen at the sight of what looked like a rash on hand. 

"Let me have a look at that" Lancelot speaks up, grabbing Merlin's wrist before he could protest. He pulls apart of his sleeve down and freezes at the sight of the scars.

"Come on, you probably got it from something you touched while getting the water. We'll go and find it, see if we can identify it. We'll be back later" Lancelot states as he looks to Gwaine, who nods, watching as they walk off. 


	2. Chapter 2

"What was that?" Lancelot questions when he and Merlin got far enough from the the knights and Arthur.  
"It's nothing Lancelot" Merlin sighs as he heads towards the creek he had found earlier, Lancelot following him.  
"Merlin please. You're my best friend. I want to know what's going on. I want you to trust me, and I want you to be able to come to me when somethings up" Lancelot pleads. Merlin frowns, feeling guilty.  
"I, you're right Lancelot, I'm sorry. I think I've just gotten so use to having to keep magic a secret, along with hiding my pain and stuff, I just kinda forget when I actually have someone I can talk to about things" Merlin explains. Lancelot nods.  
"Hey, here's the plant I touched" Merlin speaks before Lancelot says anything else. He crouches down, his eyebrows furrowing.  
"Poison ivy" he sighs.  
"I'll just have to wrap my hand and wrist up for now, Gaius will have some stuff at home for my rash" Merlin states. Lancelot nods.  
"Before you wrap up your wrist, can I...?" Lancelot trails off, gesturing to Merlin's arm. Merlin hesitates and nods before pulling down his sleeve. Lancelot frowns at the sight of all of the scars, but moves forward, gently running a finger over them. Merlin smiles slightly.  
"How long?" Lancelot asks, not looking up from Merlin's arms.  
"I".  
"Merlin please. How long?" the knight asks again.  
"Over a year" Merlin admits, ducking his head as Lancelot sighs before moving to hug Merlin, who gasps slightly in surprise.  
"I am so sorry Merlin. I'm sorry I didn't stop you from doing this. I'm sorry I didn't notice" Lancelot apologies, making Merlin frown.  
"Please don't apologize Lancelot, it's in no way your fault" Merlin states as Lancelot pulls away from the hug.  
"Can you possibly explain why you do this? Help me understand?" Lancelot asks gently. Merlin nods.  
"The first couple times were pretty much experiments, but I always felt guilty when I did it, which at the time was twice. When I, really started I guess, was when I accidently cut myself with a blade. I found that I liked the way the blood pooled. I found myself starting to get addicted. For a while, only a few cuts had scared, and I found myself becoming addicted to that too, the scaring. So I started to cut deeper, to leave more scars" Merlin explains. Lancelot frowns.  
"Merlin, that's really not healthy?" Lancelot states.  
"I know I know. So, most of the self harming has been because of the addiction to it, but some has been to release stress and stuff. When I self harmed to help with stress, it was like I had all these emotions bubbling up under my skin, and when I self harmed, the emotions were released to the cut" Merlin explains. Lancelot nods. He wouldn't self harm himself, but he could understand Merlin's explanation.  
"Come on, let's wrap up that wrist of yours" Lancelot smiles. Merlin nods.  
"And Merlin?" Lancelot speaks. Merlin looks at him.  
"Can you please try to stop? For me? I know it'll be hard, but this isn't good for you. And I want you to be able to come to me, when you feel like self harming, when you're in pain, when you're upset, or even if you're crushing on someone. I want you to be able to come to me whenever you want, and to talk to me about anything, ok?" Lancelot asks, smiling softly. Merlin nods, tearing up.


End file.
